& you're the one for me ;

Friday, July 07, 2006

couldn't even catch a thing during the econs tutorial tdy. perhaps was too tired to concentrate. and worse, been finding it hard to communicate with some of my classmates. why things have turned out this way, i don't know.

our new PD tutor, miss huang, told me after class that the way i presented during civics lesson tdy, there will be problems for my OP exams. (i.e. oral presentation for Project Work on 6-10 nov) i fidgeted too much, she said. haiz. thanks for being so frank, that i know very well too. it has become something like a habit. wanting me to change is easier said than done. i will try to change but it has been a futile struggle so far.

there's a feeling within myself that some ppl will definitely dislike my straightforward, direct style. i've already caused quite abit of havoc during the first 3 m0nths, and i wouldn't want to repeat that. so i've been on the defensive ever since. one of my major weaknesses is speaking fluent english, and with several of my classmates from english-speaking families, friction is bound to surface.

now that i've mentioned english-speaking families, i'm gonna spend some time discussing my perceived stereotype of english-speaking ppl being more affluent and well-spoken compared to their mandarin-speaking counterparts. i'm not sure why such thoughts had developed ever since JC life began. maybe due to envy. or some other reason. it seems to me that the majority of english speakers are pretty well-off in relation to mandarin speakers, with many of them living in private housing. as a result i find myself on a totally different frequency when they're around. in secondary school i have my fair share of enemies, but at least heartlanders reign the school. but now, the environment has taken a massive change, with english being heard spoken more often among students. perhaps it's due to the fact that GP trains our minds to think in proper english. and indirectly, english speakers are more presentable in terms of behaviour. (so-called more well-groomed)

in my opinion, it's best to stick to what you feel most comfortable with. if you're a mandarin-speaker, continue to be one. no point following your friends' accents and stuff cos' it'll be really unnatural and trust me, you won't like that. even if that means fewer friends, so be it. at least i've my ava friends. they are much more approachable. like what's stated in the AJC student's handbook, "the aim of enrolling into junior college is to excel in the A levels to secure better prospects in the future." so doing well at the national exams is priority. true, friends are an important part of your life. but with friends comes distrust. betrayal. they might end up hurting you in the future. it's not that i don't wanna make friends. but the wariness about every single soul around me just refuses to go away. it makes me hard to trust anyone. that i'll rather be better off alone.

those memories. 13:11